I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
