happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
