I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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