Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
