There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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