i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
