Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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