You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
