today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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