His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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