My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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