grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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