Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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