Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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