so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
