did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
