I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
