Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
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