I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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