god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
