her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
