Don't make out with my wife yet
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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