I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
