I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
