Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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