It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
