he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
