I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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