hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Randomize
