i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
