How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
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imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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