Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
