I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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