And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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