you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
