I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
