Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
