I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
