Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
