Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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