Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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