party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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