I think im going to throw up on grandma
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
