look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I forget how to act sober
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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