i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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