i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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