FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
