fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
