Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
