Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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