Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
