He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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