Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You may now shotgun with the bride
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
