i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
