and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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