the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
