i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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