If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
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He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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