"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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