Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
